Hi... from Melissa... finally.

Neil has done a good job summing this up (with the exception of a few typo's and grammatical errors. ha!). I am not much of a writer, not because I don't like to express myself with words - that would be a huge understatement (ask Neil and the kids!). It's just that it's difficult to type as fast as my little brain is talking in my head, but I'll do my best here.

Yes, the initial diagnosis was a huge shock. I must say, I am still a bit in denial. I certainly don't feel like somebody who has the big, scary "C" word. I feel great, run or row a few times a week, eat well, sleep well (er... relatively well for a peri-menopausal woman), etc. How could I have any weird, strange, irregular cells inside of me? It's a mystery. Plus, I am in about as low a risk as possible for getting breast CA. It truly isn't something I've worried about in my life - and that's saying a LOT because I am a huge worrier (again, just ask my kids... Quinn bought me a "panic button" and put it on the fridge, so I could go push it whenever I started worrying about the kids too much!).

But, as they say in life, sh*t happens, and so it has!

I also don't let this define me: I don't have cancer, I have cancerous cells in my breast. Which will be removed and then I won't have to have that big, scary "C" word hanging around my neck anymore. Dr. Susan Love says it well on her website: It is not life threatening. If you have DCIS, it means that you have abnormal cells in the lining of a duct.

You can read more here:
http://www.dslrf.org/breastcancer/content.asp?L2=3&L3=2&L4=3&SID=164

At the beginning, it was really hard to tell anybody. So I had all of my very best breast angels spreading the word for me. I hated the look on peoples faces, those sad puppy-dog eyes, or the "OHMYGOSH!" panic, or the tears. So, I determined it was best to just say nothing. Let word pass from friend to friend, via my best friends. That worked best for me.

It's funny. I have never minded telling people anything: the details of the testing, diagnosis, treatments, my feelings, etc. I am a talker. It's very clinical to me - a process to get through. An annoyingly long process that I don't have time for (who does?!? is it ever 'convenient' to get cancer?!?) . I just don't like telling people first.

Also, I have been reassured from all the reading I've done, and all of the doctors I've seen, that I will live a good long life, and will be rocking my beautiful grandbabies on my front porch when I'm 95 years old! And that's what it's all about!

In terms of diagnosing this, I guess I should back up a bit...

I went in for a routine mammo on Feb. 17th, 2010, and was called back for a 2nd mammo for magnification views of "suspicious calcifications" - normal for somebody in my age category. The radiologist thought it'd be a good idea to biopsy the "suspicious calc's", which was then supposed to rule OUT any breast CA (not rule it IN, for goodness sake! sheesh! I guess the pathologist didn't get that memo!).

I was never scared or worried. I didn't need anybody to accompany me to the biopsy because I felt quite confident that the path reports would all come back negative for breast CA (again, I'm in a very low risk category). I even scheduled to go out for drinks with girlfriends after work, on the day the doc was calling me back with the results. No biggie, I thought - it will be negative and we'll have something to make a toast to.

When the doc (my friend, the radiologist) called to tell me that it came back positive for DCIS, I was shocked! She called me when I was on my way to the restaurant to meet my girlfriends, and her first words were: "Where are you?" "In my car," I replied. She asked "Do you want to pull over?" and, of course, I knew then what she was going to say. I think I replied "SH*T!" or something else as lovely. She was so sorry to have to break the news to me, and she said she was equally surprised, but quickly educated me about how DCIS is the "good cancer" and it is "more of a nuisance" than anything. And, she was right, of course. It's just not the kind of "nuisance" I want to personally have to deal with! But I went off to have a drink with those wonderful, beautiful best breast friends of mine, and they were awesome. How serendipitous that was - to share, for the first time, that scary diagnosis, with caring, loving nurses, who cherish breasts in the most beautiful of ways (we're lactation consultants). They were PERFECT in every way, and we did, indeed, drink well together! I am blessed to have them in my life!

Neil and I immediately started researching. He has been WONDERFUL through this whole thing... so supportive, loving, not freaked out, helping me dig for research/news/ideas/doctors, etc. I couldn't ask for a better husband than him. It's been awesome. I don't know what people do who don't have a loving spouse to help you through something like this. I am truly blessed!!!

I then went in for 2 more biopsies, a breast MRI, an ultrasound and countless more mammograms. My sister, Carol, accompanied me to the next set of biopsies. She really helped. By then, I already had the diagnosis, so we were just looking to see how diffusely spread it was, in helping me determine the best/most appropriate treatment plan. Carol held my hand, and was my steady rock, while I sat there in the clinic, in my stupid green robe, a newly diagnosed cancer patient. ugh...

After those tests were done, it was confirmed that the spread of the disease was, indeed, too diffuse to do anything other than a mastectomy. DCIS is like fine sand spread through the ducts. It can't be 'excised' by a 'lumpectomy'. A surgeon couldn't possibly go in and pick through my ducts to get it all out, while leaving the breast intact. You can't tell, by the naked eye, which are cancerous cells and which are just plain fibrocystic changes that happen with age. So, the gals have got to go! It's all in my right breast. There are some suspicious calcifications in the left breast, too, but they weren't biopsied, so we're not sure what they are.

As you read from one of the previous posts by Neil, right after that, we then went off for a weeks vacation to Hawaii, and it was just what the doctor ordered! It really helped to calm us both down, relax, retreat, and just plain have fun - with the kids, in the waves, in the sun, at the pool, scuba-diving, zip-lining, etc. It was perfect!!!

To re-cap and fast forward to today, this is where we're at...

First was the diagosis: DCIS

Next came the treatment plan: mastectomy.

Then the decision to do bilateral or unilateral mastectomy: This has been a toughie. Do you take both when only one is involved (as far as you know?). Are you a gambler? What are the chances of them finding it on the other side, down the road? This is complicated. I've done a ton of research. I've talked to a lot of people, read a lot of blogs, read a lot of research. It's not clear one way or the other, but for me, I've concluded that the best way to go is to take them both. I've hated all of the appointments, and stabbing and prodding and smushing and needling. I don't want to go through this, plus the worrying, every 6 months, for the rest of my life. I know that some people would disapprove of this decision, but for me, it's the best way to go.

The next big decision is what kind of breast reconstruction? Did you know that insurance companies are federally mandated to pay for breast reconstruction after mastectomy? I didn't know that! I was so happy to hear that, because I thought, "how are we going to pay for 2 new breasts?". So, off we went to the reconstruction docs!

My options are:
1. implants: not for me!
2. flap surgery: they take fat and tissue from another part of your body (either your tummy or your buttocks) and make new breasts! Isn't that cool?!? (and, yes, get a ticket and get in line, in terms of contributions. I have a few 'donors' already lined up!)

So, that's where we're at. I've been doing a lot of research about reconstruction options, and I'm in the fortunate position of not having to rush. I will report more specifically, in the next post, about the different reconstruction options.

In the meantime, know that I am well, and well cared for. There are a ton of blessings in this all: I have the most amazing family (Neil and the kids are awesome. I'll have to post sometime about their initial reactions, but they're all good now), the best siblings and friends in the world, a ton of support and outpouring of love from extended family and friends, and an incredibly supportive work environment. I am also lucky to live in a first-world country, with great health care benefits (that not all people are fortunate to have), and live in an area where this can be taken care of. I am healthy and strong! I am blessed beyond belief!!! Thanks to all of you who've sent notes, called, kissed me, loved me, hugged me. It's been the best thing in the world, to know you care, and I know all of that wonderfully good karma, will help me - and help the world!!!

Gotta run now to go take my girl to the orthodontist (and life goes on!)

Big hugs!